Tuesday, January 22, 2008

A Mike Top Ten List

With apologies to Fidel. From ridingsun

Top ten initiatives of President Bloomberg's first 100 days in office

10. Federally limit all hot sauces to a maximum of 50,000 Scoville units. There is simply no legitimate need for anything stronger. (Also, sauce makers will no longer be able to use misleading trade names like "Joe Bob's Ass-Kickin' Death Sauce.")

9. Push through legislation establishing National Fire Drill Day, along with stiff penalties for heads of households whose families don't complete the drill in time. Times will be monitored by repurposed field agents from Homeland Security.

8. Pressure Hollywood to digitally erase all cigarettes, cigars from all films made to date; replace with CGI carrot or celery sticks.

7. A new tax on fast-food companies. Tax revenues will be used to hire government employees to stand at the entrance of every McDonalds nationwide and ask patrons, "Do you really want to eat here?

6. Abortion legal? Heck, in certain cases it'll be mandatory.

5. Building on the success of his NY ban on smoking in bars, a nationwide ban on hitting on women in bars. That sort of thing belongs in the office.

4. ISP's required to automatically terminate all internet connections every 25 minutes, so users will be able to rest their eyes, go outside, and get some goddamn exercise.

3. Historic "Guns or Butter" debate replaced with new, heart-friendly "Guns or I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" debate.

2. Put federal air marshalls on every commercial flight; require them to inspect the entree for trans fats.

1. Count votes in all future elections with Bloomberg's own proprietary, highly-reliable data service, so we know they'll be fair.


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